GOING FOR A BLIND DATE? THINK AGAIN

It’s something we dread and do at the same time where five minutes through it can actually make or break you. Well, I’m talking about blind dates. They have become prevalent especially with the rise of social media. You friend someone on face book and before you know it, you’re commenting on their profile pictures. This gradually evolves to in - boxes and then  you’re off to the first date.

So there you are dressed up, money in your pocket and smelling nicely. Ken com is your destination and your aim is to spot a black pendo pusha*if they still exist*. Its funny when you get there, the only pendo pusha is worn by this person whom you don’t recognize. In the profile picture, Suzie is light skin with a big fine booty and a flamboyant smile to die for. So you convince yourself that whatever you’re seeing is not the case and you decide to confirm by calling the number. She finally picks up and that is when you confirm your worst fears. You remember that all her profile pictures were always taken as a group. *whoever you thought was her was actually her best friend*:-(

 It hits you pretty hard and you let out this heavy sigh that blows your cover.  “ Umepatikana” and before you get the guts to run for your dear life, she approaches you with this big smile calling out your name. This is certainly going to be the worst 45 minutes of your life in some kenchic on river road as plans for java have somehow been cancelled.

In the case of Kevin, everything seemed to be perfect from the very beginning. The chick was just as she had envisioned her. In fact she was more than what his imagination had fathomed and she was dressed to kill in a maxi dress that really brought out her curves. He thought he was dreaming that he forgot to remember one little detail that looks can really be deceiving. Lunch at KFC was definitely the plan, you know, so that he could also rise to the occasion at the expense of his boy whom he owned money. *SMH*

It was going on so well until their food was brought to the table. Conversation certainly stopped, and the mama started digging into the chicken. She was doing it so fast that after sometime she started attracting attention from the neighboring table. Since he could not believe his eyes, all he did was stare. After she was done she asked for his piece of chicken since he  had hadly  touched it. She didn't even wait for him to approve as she’s licking her fingers in the process. With that kind of an episode, it’s no wonder Kevin is still traumatized.

All in all what I’m saying is ignore the odds at your own peril if you have to show up for a blind date.

FRIEND ZONED

THE FRIEND ZONE, they say, is every guy’s nightmare. Quite unfortunate if you’re already there but if you’re not or not sure, here are some of the signs:

1.      Its early morning and you’re in one of those texting “mojos” and who best to enjoy this experience with than ‘Suzie.’ You like her; in fact, who are you kidding? You’re probably infatuated. The way she looks, her pretty face accessorized with that make up and that nose ring. She kills it and you keep thinking how she can gerrrr it. So your first text is like good morning gorgeousJ and the response after 20 mins is like mrng…you reckon that you just woke her up and you’re like, “I hope I didn’t wake you up,” and she’s like, “it’s okay.” You figure this is the best time to tell her how you missed her and how you dreamt about her. This time the response is zero and it was until you called her today that you guys talked. Then you’re in the friend zone bro.

2.      You call her today and she’s all bubbly, even calling you Hun and telling you how much she’s missing you. Well, that good feeling you’re experiencing right now is not about to last long. You’ll call her tomorrow and she’ll be all cold and dismissive and that’s when it’ll finally hit you that you’re in that place. sorrrryL

3.      This one is pretty obvious. All your calls go answered and nobody bothers to call back. It’s only Equity bank enquiring whether to close your account since it has not been active in the past one year.

4.      Do you have this mama you think you have a thing going on and somewhere out in the blues she narrates this story where she farted in the ‘mat’ right when she was about to alight?  She further goes ahead to give you the details of how she left the kange in a tight spot since everybody thought it was him. You probably thought she was keeping it real, trust, you kept telling yourself. You thought wrong bro, you’ve been friend zoned. A chick that actually likes you maintains her etiquette standards and lady like mannerisms are more often than not likely to elicit throughout your encounter.

5.      You keep inviting her to dates and she keeps insisting on bringing her girlfriends.  “Bring along your boys too,” she says. This is just a mechanism to ensure that things between you two don’t get personal at all.

6.      Going back on the issue of dates. If she’s ever busy, then you’re probably in the zone. No one in this world has the time; all we do is just creating it. Like how you were willing to miss your class just to make it happens.

7.      You’re the go getter, always tenacious when it comes getting what you want? So after 16 missed calls, the phone is finally picked up only this time by the younger sister. Need I say more………

8.      Has it been two weeks now and not even a good night text? Thought soL and that’s just the point. She can go for days without talking to you and guess what, she’ll just be fine.

9.      You’ve never met her friends and most likely through accident, you meet the crew. Funny enough, you’re the only one excited and no one seems to recall your name mentioned in any of their conversations. Welcome to the movement bro. A girl that feels something for you will look for the slightest excuse to mention your name among her peers. Even if it’s pointing out how you’ve been wearing the same YOLO T-shirt in the last 6, or is it 9 dates??!!!!

10.  The ultimate thing, however, when you finally realize that, after all, you’re never getting the P...NOT NOW NOT EVER………

WHAT REALLY HAPPENS INSIDE A PSV

If you use public transport as your means of travel, then you must have had an encounter with this people. If not, then count yourself very unlucky as they’re quite a spectacle to behold. I’m talking about preachers and salespersons that thrive in the matatu business. Mostly in cheap suits and colorful shirts, this people define entrepreneurship in a whole new level.

It all starts when they kindly request for 5 minutes of our time but this further translates to almost twenty minutes. What makes it funny is that most passengers know exactly what they guy is up to but they still take time to listen. People draw inspiration from all manner of strange things let me tell you. I happened to have an encounter with one the other day on my way to town. He practically started with the usual where he was this bad guy who used to rob banks and cause havoc along the way probably even ending up on the most wanted list. A criminal of that pedigree is sure to be familiar with the citizenry, right? What keeps me wondering however is where all the money they allege to have stolen disappeared to. Before you even finish contemplating that then comes the pieces of heroism. This one specifically claimed to have the powers to identify AIDS victims at face value. They go further to expose their dirty linen in the whole bus making some of us want to reveal that Suzie whom you tell everyone to be your girlfriend has actually friend zoned you. It feels so relieving but this comes at a price, “lazima sadaka mtoe.” Kenyans are really desperate for hope in life and someone who is willing to give it even though using half baked exaggerations warrants a reward. I always thought it was never that serious until I coughed up 20 bob knowing very that’s credit for the next day. All for making me feel that I’m not alone in this unfair world.

Miss the preacher and you’re bound to encounter the sales lady who markets all manner of strange things. From tooth pastes to beauty products for the ladies that are meant to ensure you look better than Beyonce. All this at a price of 50 shillings, really!!!  Others guarantee a field trip in the garden of copulation ensuring that your maidens are more than satisfied. This one I’m not a victim but the guys sitting behind me always seem to be.*smelling PR in the air* But then again, it’s all about making that paper.

KENYAN POLITICIANS REAPING WHERE THEY NEVER SOW

Recent times have seen Kenyan politicians massively taking to the online platforms, in a bid to appeal to the technologically aware voters. Almost all presidential candidates have Facebook and Twitter accounts which they use to interact with their supporters. This reportedly increase in politicians’ online presence has been informed by the need to appeal to young people who are considered the highest end users of the social media. But what have Kenyan politicians done to bring down the expensive broadband charges in the country? Absolutely nothing! 

Come to think of it. Because Internet connectivity demand among Kenyans and especially the young generation is on the rise the social media has become a popular culture. Knowledge across the globe is being shared through the internet. Online courses are on the increase as the drum up to leverage on this demand intensifies. Enterprises have not been left behind. For it has dawned on them that in order to remain relevant in the future, they need to develop strong consumer relationships online. 

As a result, internet service providers in Kenya are smiling all the way to the bank as they take advantage of this online craze.  In fact, the claim that internet service providers in Kenya  offer high-speed broadband service could not be further from the truth if we compare ourselves with technologically advanced countries like Japan, South Korea, China and the rest. But because of their unchallenged monopoly in the Kenyan market and weak government policy, they continue to charge exorbitant prices for internet connection.

Commentators have even argued that it will take Kenya another decade for pocket friendly internet connectivity to become a reality.  And even as Kenyan politicians embrace the internet to advance their political agenda they continue to remain mum about this issue. They talk about economic development and yet they are least concerned about the country’s pricing model of broadband services. One wonders whether these politicians understand how vital their voters’ access to quality and affordable internet connection is to economic growth.

So before you hit the like button of that political figure’s page that’s constantly popping on your browser ask yourself this question; is he/she reaping the benefits of internet connectivity demand without sowing the seeds of cheaper and affordable services? Go ahead only if the answer is NO.

A CASE OF THE RICH AND THE BROKE

Monday is here with us and I’m yet to get over the fact that the weekend is no longer here with us. As usual I’m experiencing Monday greys. I call them that way because blue is such a cool and vibrant colour to be associated with boring a and tiresome feeling. I’m just relaxing and this crazy thought hits me. There are only two people over the weekend, the loaded and the broke.

Being loaded guarantees maximum satisfaction with niceties dripping in from every corner. Don’t you just enjoy that fun Saturday afternoon in the movies or that trip outside the city? Or it may be that night out with friends and you’re the one throwing the drinks. Everybody can’t help but call you boss!! And the ladies lighten up a bit. All this is garnished with that big boost of confidence and it’s quite sad how it passes very fast and it’s normal business already. Trust me, that’s what I’m experiencing as I write this piece.

It’s all smiles until you migrate to the other side. Just like the way wildebeests migrate from the Mara to the Serengeti, the same is experienced only that there are no greener pastures at this instance.  It’s so annoying when you’re stuck fantasizing about the amazing road trip since Mr. broke here would hear none of it. When it’s your sister’s birthday and the best you can do is sending a mere text. It will still mean a lot to her but I wonder what it would have meant if the text was accompanied with those stilettos she has always been obsessed about.

It’s funny that at this juncture the forces of nature also tend to have something against you. This is when it rains cats and dogs, fares sour up to uncontainable levels and you’re stuck at the stage for hours on end. Even the conductor is rude to you. It’s like it’s written all over your face. I’m starting to think that the devil also dislikes broke people. A friend of mine was hanging at this restaurant broke as hell and the guy sitting next to him left his galaxy tab on the table. He was so tempted to pick it up and just when he had decided not to, the owner came back for it. What an embarrassment it would have been. It was a case of the devil trying to save the day but on a very detrimental path.

You would all bear with me when I say that broke doesn’t discriminate at all. I have personally witnessed fully grown men reduced to nothing, their women taken away from them just because they couldn’t afford another round of snap. Have a loaded week now won’t you?

EMPLOYMENT FOR THE YOUTH? TELL IT TO THE BIRDS

'You would never believe this, but it has come to the attention of the Commission for Higher Education (CHE) that some crooks are purporting to offer higher education......those crooks are ‘purporting’ because to offer power to read in these parts, one must be registered by the aforementioned commission. For obvious reasons, the crooks haven’t bothered to seek registration with CHE because their facilities are either crappy or non-existent or their tutors are illiterate quacks with forged papers – or both.....

 

....And you know what the commission wants you to do? Check their website! But what if you discover – after checking their website – that you’ve been studying at an institution of ‘advanced technology’ whose technology is limited to the Chinese pocket radio on the Principal’s desk?'  (Edward Indakwa, The Standard columnist)

When I read this peace of literature in one of the local dailies I couldn't believe my eyes. Here is a problem affecting hundreds of thousands of Kenyans. Higher education has been infiltrated by crooks who are milking cash out of unsuspecting Kenyans in broad daylight! The commission for Higher education(CHE) is evidently helpless and no single politician, especially presidential hopefuls, has come forward to talk about the issue. 

Whats even more painful is that Raila Odinga, William Ruto, Uhuru Kenyatta, Kalonzo Musyoka, Musalia Mudavadi, Martha Karua, Charity Ngilu, Eugene Wamalwa and the rest have all claimed to solve the problems of the youth. The biggest problem affecting the youth that these presidential hopeful have claimed to solve once they accede to the presidency is unemployment. Yet no meaningful employment can be secured without quality education. What kind of employment do these politicians claim they will offer the youth? What forms of opportunities are available to poorly trained people?

 Kenyans are not stupid. They are hungry for education because they have realized its importance. And the biggest percentage of Kenyans in colleges and universities are the youth. They are flocking colleges and university in search of this invaluable commodity.  That is why these crooks are having a field day. Therefore, it is very unfortunate for an institution like the CHE to make a helpless appeal for Kenyans to simply avoid education institutions that are not its good books. 

Something also tells me that either these politicians have lost touch with the problems affecting their electorate or this is part of a big conspiracy. Did I forget to mention that the children of most of this politicians are not schooled in this country? Let me tell you something all you politicians in Kenya. I don't care whether or not you are leading in the latest opinion polls. Neither do I give a damn whether you are the King of this or that tribe. If you don't have a plan on how you are going to sort this mess out, you ain't getting my vote.

I want to vote for a presidential hopeful who is ready ready to offer me an opportunity to compete internationally by ensuring that I get quality education. Don't promise me a job because I can look for it all by myself, if and only if I get quality education.

IS SWAG REALLY THE NEW COOL?

Your hands up if you’re sick and tired of this phenomenon word referred to as swag. (Guess I’m alone on this one). Moving on swiftly, I think it’s about time we moved on.

The word never existed in my vocabulary until a group of rappers namely, T.I and Weezy came up with a song (swagger like us) a few years back. That’s where the whole problem started as they didn’t take time to explain what they actually meant. I took it upon myself to research on the word and checking my dictionary, it means walking or behaving in a confident way and this begs question. Is that really what we’re doing? I don’t know about you but we pretty much got it twisted with the level of abuse and misuse this word is being accorded.

Cared to notice that before this word came along, skinny colourful jeans for men never existed. Please don’t bring West life in all of this, as theirs were not colourful. Also this hideous cardigan sweaters too. But Alas! As the movement grew, they became the in thing. Now a fully grown man with pink skinny jeans and well coordinated lipstick just to march is certainly attractive. All thanks to swag. Watch this space when I tell you that a man sporting a skirt is not very far from being realized. This is certainly a hallmark in swagger business.

When swag finally came around, our female fraternity suddenly realized that natural hair was not beautiful anymore. A weave however, magic. These things surely turn heads but for all the wrong reasons lack of proper maintenance being one of them. These ugly bastards are also complemented by hot pants on a cold Monday morning. Really…?!

I don’t know whether I should be talking about this, but the rise of swag also changed our dating scene. A lunch date including chips and soda at Ken chick was considered quite appropriate. The situation however is very different now as more swaggerific joints like java cropped up. You can just imagine where that leaves us, “masuferer.” It automatically makes “divas” a rare commodity.

Look at our media outlets nowadays. Its swag to expose your dirty linen for the world to see. Sex to when you switch on your radio at 6 am to when you switch it off at midnight.

Even our politicians have not been left behind in the whole craze. Their campaigns tend to have all manner of things aimed at exuding as much swag as possible. We may be young but certainly not naïve. A perfect example is when Raphael Tuju was launching his POA party. He decided to use some language which was meant to resemble sheng. It’s obvious that the obsession with having swag tricked him.

All this has blown out of proportion and you can’t help but miss when “COOL” used to rule the world.

 

THIS AND THAT ABOUT THE SOCIAL MEDIA

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The internet is full of Social networking sites such as facebook, twitter, google plus and Myspace among hundreds of others. These sites are increasingly becoming an integral part of our lives. Lets face it, these days,  the easiest and the most convenient way to connect with family and friends is through the social media.Granted, the social media have allowed people from all walks of life to spontaneously interact in real time regardless who or where they are.

But the manner in which some people are using the social media nowadays makes me fret with anger. First of all, the need by social media users to create first impressions through their profile pictures has pushed some of them to do unimaginable things. Ideally all you need for a profile picture is a close up shot of yourself or if you don't like how you look, upload a picture of something that you like, be it your favourite pet, a branch of a tree or even the sky.

Why would someone choose a photo that almost reveals their 'all and sundry' to be a profile picture, for example? Do these people stop to think what perception of themselves they will have created about who they are to their friends? Then there are those who change their profile pictures every time they make a new purchase for their word-robe! There is no point of making a fool of yourself. It makes a lot of sense to keep some things away from the glare of the public for your own good. 

Thirdly, irresponsible updates on social media has become a major turn-off to friends and, more  recently,    potential employers. Yes, potential employers are increasingly using social media profiles to determine the employability of a job seeker. Negative updates about your former employer, for example, can easily be searched for in the internet, years after you have forgotten about it. So think before you publish that facebook update or tweet.

There are those who announce their comeback on social media after weeks or months of silence; as if their absence made a difference. Get this, unless you are a news maker, your silence on social media can not make headlines even on the gutter press. Don't even make me write about those who threaten to shut down their social media accounts. The less said about these people the better. What these guys need is attention and that is the last thing I am going to give them.

Lastly, there are those people who post updates every time they change their moods. "I feel lonely", goes a facebook update. "I need a kiss", screams a tweep. We appreciate the fact that human beings experience a certain amounts of mood swings but not every Tom Dick and Harry needs to hear that. So think about your social media hygiene and do some clean up next time you log in.
 

GET A LIFE,REALLY!!

Get a life! A word that always tends to slip out of many mouths accompanied with a lot of vigour and emotion. Look at it however, literally that is, and you’re bound to ask yourself quite a number of questions.

It’s the middle of the semester in campus and there you’re on a Saturday after mid morning class.  Certainly everybody is looking for “plot” and you innocently mention that you’re thinking of hitting the library till late in the afternoon. The eyes that suddenly befall you at that moment could possibly push the devil to hell if he decided to pop up. Get a life however will suddenly pop up. I mean, isn’t that what you’re trying to get, a life. You’re hitting the library to gain knowledge that might help you in your upcoming exams or even help you when you eventually set up that business.  But no, your so called friends don’t approve and you couldn’t agree more. So you decide to hang, play that x box and later hook up with your girl. Later in the evening you hit the clubs and at that moment in time, you have officially acquired yourself a life. Talk of irony in the highest order. I guess that’s why “mwakenyas” will never cease to exist.

It’s quite funny how many contexts this get a life business manifests. It’s Friday afternoon, you happen not to have class and you’re at your favorites chill spot having a great time. You happen to overhear a conversation between this couple and by the look of things; they seem to be in a turmoil. It eventually gets out control and the girl storms out not failing to mention get a life in her closing remarks. Couldn’t help but wonder what she meant.

We can also not fail to mention the case of that beautiful flamboyant Nairobi girl. You know the one with that short skirt, lots of make-up and that smart phone that’s always stitched to the hand. Then she happens to encounter the half drunken tout. Being who he is, he tries to start a conversation and she automatically ignores him accompanying it with guess what, get a life. That is exactly what the guy is doing; he’s earning his daily bread.

I could go on and on but you’ll all tell me to get a life. Put that get a life business aside though. Get yourselves a life.

GIVEN A CHANCE, WOULD YOU VOTE FOR THE NEW CONSTITUTION AGAIN?

The  month of august marks a significant period when Kenyans voted for and promulgated the constitution on 4rth and 27th respectively.

Since then, kenyans have witnessed a series of attempts, by both the executive and the legislature to circumvent the constitution to achieve their own selfish ends. The executive, led by president Kibaki has been criticised of making unconstitutional appointments. The latest appointments of county commissioners by president Kibaki which was nullified by the by a court ruling back in June clearly manifests this assertion. The prime reason for the court ruling was that, through the appointments, president Kibaki had contravened several sections of the constitution.

  

Parliament has also been accused of conniving and acting as a stumbling block to constitutional implementation. The latest of these attempt regards the approving of an already watered down integrity bill to the dismay of the public, civil society, and the constitution implementation commission (CIC). The original form of the bill had especially raised the integrity standards for those who wanted to vie for elective posts.

Out of the three arms of government, only the judiciary has refrained itself from these mischievous tendencies. Led by chief justice Willy Mutunga, the judiciary has made some land mark rulings that has put it at loggerheads with both the executive and the legislature. one of them is that mentioned earlier where the courts nullified the appointment of the county commissioners by president Kibaki.

In light of the above observations, therefore, several questions come to the fore; would Kenyans vote for or against this constitution if the referendum was held today? What has so far been achieved since the promulgation of the constitution? are we better off now that we have a new constitution than we were before? These are very pertinent question as we celebrate two years since we promulgated the constitution. We need to be aware of old habits; for old habits die hard and unless we resolve to shun the past shall we march forward to the future.

That is why we need to take stock of what we have achieved and what we have not. we need to stop and ask ourselves why we continue to embrace age old practices even when a new constitutional order is staring us in the face. For example as mentioned earlier on the ruling class still exhibit yesteryear's authoritarian tactics of governance. And because these are the leaders we elect, is there a  possibility that their actions reflect our character as the electorate?

 Lets first look at how Kenyans voted during the 2010 referendum. more than four million (70%) Kenyans voted for the new constitution compared to more than two million (30%) who rejected it. Although majority of Kenyans were in favor of the new laws, we can not ignore those who were not in favor. Some of those who rejected the new laws were not comfortable with certain sections in it.  Have their concerns been adequately addressed? I don't think much have been done to address their concerns. Don't forget that some of them are members of parliament and even form part of the executive. This means that they can use their positions to ensure that the implementation process is derailed; or if some bills are passed, they are changed to suit their intentions.

Secondly Kenyans need to be reminded of the dark past. It took only 28 amendments of the independence constitutions to weaken institutions, strip parliament of its powers and render the judiciary toothless. If we are not careful we will walk down that path again. we need to say No to the those who are hell bent in taking back every time we try to move forward. The new constitution has given citizens powers to stop the ruling class, right in its tracks, if citizens feel that what they are doing does not reflect the aspirations of Kenyans. One of these is the power of universal suffrage. Come March, 4rth  2013, all Kenyans who love this country should come out in large numbers and vote out those politicians who are not fit to be called leaders. Lets also vote in those who qualify to be leaders of integrity.

Thirdly, the bright future that Kenyans long for is possible to attain. The Judiciary has proved to Kenyans that it can reform. Other institutions can also reform. Yes, let nobody lie to you that that is not possible. But it all begins with you and me.

FAMILY GATHERINGS AND BOOZE.

I don’t know about you but there’s just something about family gatherings that is quite intriguing. The sole purpose is to keep us close and enhance bonding which is very nonexistent nowadays due to everyday hustles. Looking at it however, this is exactly the opposite. It more often than not tends to bring division among the members of the family. Actually, these gatherings are more of a showing and measuring field of where the members compare themselves and their progress over their last encounter. I’ve always wondered what all the smiles were all about. Sorry to break it to you but most of these smiles are fabrications.

Think about that uncle who you would mistake to be the popular dealfish or even the East African newspaper since he claims to be the sealer of all deals. Add a bit of alcohol and he swears how he was having dinner with the prime minister the previous night. More and more he goes ahead to state how the president pays him a courtesy call every now and then just to check up on him. How unfortunate that his pair of socks always end up selling him out. They have all manner of air spaces that always leave us with unanswered questions. All in all, we still love you.

Then there’s that uncle whom everybody seems to love. His sense of humour is quite amazing since he always knows the right things to say. He always sits at the far corner and everything seems alright until it’s time to binge. I could swear his eyes tend to pop out of their sockets and his legs can’t help but shake. We all know how that ends up. As I remember last time, he ended up calling my aunt’s friend “momo” and further going ahead to compare her to his favourite freshian cow, Tiebae. We all know about women and weight issues so I’ll say no more.

Then there’s the sadist distant cousin who was not even invited but who sees others as a bunch of buffoons. He’s so full of it always stating how everybody should emulate him. He imagines that he has it all from class to a fat wallet which nobody can come close to. He always keeps that sadistic smile when everything goes haywire claiming that everybody in the family is a drunk who needs saving from the most high. I hate it when I have to listen to his constant encouragements but deep down you can see him wishing you were a failure.  He’s not that perfect after all since everybody knows his wife recently left him.

We can’t leave out the women in the family who insist on being ambassadors of our lord Jesus but can’t seem to put their wine glasses down.  Give them the eye and they start giving you the wine is good for your health speech. Furthermore, it’s not comparable to other forms of liquor. Come to think of it however, wine contains more alcohol than even beer but that’s a story for another day. All In all, we still remain family. It’s what you get when blood brings you together. So until next family gathering, see ya!!

I OFFICIALLY HATE FIVE STAR HOTELS

Officially my first day in a five star hotel and evrything seemed to be going on so well for at least most of the time. I was eventually faced with satchet containing six grams of sugar and everything changed. It doesn't cease to amaze me how such a minute thing could be so detrimental. Its one of those opportunities that come once in a corruption free Kenya and it's all courtesy of a relative. I hope for a moment there you didn't think that I was feeling kind of philanthrophic and decided to spare a few bucks? Anyway back to the main thesis. My distant uncle whom I don't get to see as often as KPLC'S power outages heard I was looking for an attachment and so he decided to give a helping hand. He invited me to Laico regency where he's a cordinator of some sort.

It's already mid morning and I dress up ready for the big day. A casual shirt and jeans is the order of the day and within thirty minutes I was at the entrance of the magnificient hotel. I should have realised at this moment it was not going to end up so well as I stood there waiting to be frisked. It was so embarassing when the guard ushered me in with a smile on her face. It was obvious she realised it was my first time. As I entered, I couldn't help but notice the suv's in the parking lot demonstrating the social gap in our country. Again a story for another day.

After conducting the main agenda in the office, the moment I had been waiting for was finally here with us. It's a hotel and not an office so a cup of tea was in order. It was much justified but I bet judge Bosire would highly disagree. Justice doesn't quite augur well with him at the moment. Summit is the place and now its between me, the waiter and the menu. The hospitality is spectacular by the way but the menu seems to have other intentions. I make my order and there she is; placed in an exotic glass together with her bitter cousin the salt. She seems to be the link between me and having a wonderful time and she makes sure the opposite happens.

After throwing gazes all over, I decide to deep the satchet in the cappuccino assuming that it dissolves like the normal tea bag and after stirring for a while, this doesn't prove to be the case. The taste is pathetic and now confusion gets the better part of me. Maybe I didn't stir enough I say to myself and decide to do it all over again. A bit harder this time. Now the mug decides to make certain noises which happen to draw some attention and I stop. Nothing seems to have changed. "Gosh!" I whisper to myself. Maybe I should just take it sugarless. In that heated moment of high contemplaton, an old bloke on the other table happened to be taking cappuccino too and I observed keenly as he took the satchet and teared it. Yeah, it's that simple.

I have never felt so mortified in my life and this really scarred me for good. I am now officially fivestarphobic if there's such a recorded phobia. It pains even more when I think about the hot waitress who served me and whom unforturtunately I was trying very hard to impress.